My Soul Hurts - how do you say goodbye?

You know when you get a pet that the day will come when you will outlive your pet.  You hope it won't be earlier than you expect it and you hope your head can tell your heart that it is natural, but the pain is unbearable.  We had to put Zoey down last night.  She was 11 years, 4 months and 21 days old.  Just typing her name makes me start weeping again.  Please let writing her a eulogy as it were, be cathartic.  For almost a week now she has been unable to walk on her rear legs, the right was stronger than the left, the left would bear no weight at all and she looked like a seal dragging herself around.  Parker had to carry her outside and even then she had no dignity.  She would eat and drink but we had to bring the food and water to her in our bedroom - her refuge.   Her doctor gave us medication for her but it did nothing for her - his feeling at that point was that it was a neurological problem, treatable with steroids - oh wait, she is a diabetic - she can't be treated with steroids.  How long are we supposed to have let her suffer?  She was still a tail wagging, excited to see you fur baby but she just could not get herself up.

We made the decision to do it last night because I had to take Lily for her 2 year checkup.  Rowan asked if she could come with me.  After trying to explain to the girls that it was time to say goodbye to Zoey, amid many tears and some wailing, I left with the girls, Parker took Zoey to the vet.  He said it was quick, she was calm and peaceful - he talked to her the whole time. 

She was not alone. 

I made my peace with her all week almost because I felt this was going to be the outcome.  I told her I loved her.  She made me a mom before I became a "real" mom.  She was my baby for 6 years before I had Rowan.  She was my child when I feared I would never have children.  I loved her with all my heart.  She was such a great dog.  She was crazy as hell for the first 3-4 years but after that she settled into her own and her own was a star, a rock star.

Her love was unconditional, her loyalty unwavering.  She was more than a pet.  I pray we did the right thing.  I hope she is running to her hearts content in an endless field beside a stream she can swim in whenever she wants.  I hope she is seeing her mom and dad and I hope when the days come she is sitting waiting for us to come join her and play again.